Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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