I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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