Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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