he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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