lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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