Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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