I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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