i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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