Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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