I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
