I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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