I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
