omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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