I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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