I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
