Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
