Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
