i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
