I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
