she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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