my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I came so hard my ears popped.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
