She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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