worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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