i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
