Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
