So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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