How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
