I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
