Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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