I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
