I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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