anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
