Don't you send me to vm
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
