Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
