Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize