I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
