She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
