Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
