I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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