Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
