I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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