i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize