i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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