Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
