Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
