SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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