my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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