Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize