Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
