my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
