just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
