I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We were destined to go to rehab together
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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