I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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