He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
