I can text with my tongue
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize