My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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