Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
