I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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