just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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