I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize