apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
