God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
