Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize