im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
