i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
